[Originally posted 9.1.2012]
I have been thinking about how to get in shape and lose weight for a long time. I’ve tried a variety of things: Curves, Weight Watchers (both online and meetings), various online “bootcamps” and memberships. Over the years I have been a member at a variety of gyms, including Lifetime Fitness and Lady of America Fitness. I have tried the Couch to 5K app, I’ve tried interval work outs, I’ve tried walking the dog every morning, going to a nutritionist, weight loss pills and doctor supervised weight loss. I’ve even tried Wii Fit.
Clearly, nothing has worked – at least, not long term.
I had begun to feel like some sort of anomaly, someone who simply can’t lose weight through the “normal” avenues. Then I read a book last year that caught my eye at Mardel’s. It’s called “Made To Crave” and the author is Lysa Terkeurst. It’s the story of how this woman – a public speaker and head of Proverbs 31 Ministry – tackled her own battle with food addiction and getting healthy. Reading that book made me realize that 1) I’m not an anomaly and 2) the battle is mostly in my head.
I think that’s was where God begin to make some headway in me, in regards to this issue of my weight. Prior to reading that book, I was in some sort of denial. If you could have convinced me to talk about my weight and nutrition (or lack thereof), I would have told you the lie I was telling myself: I’m okay with how I am. It’s my life, it’s my choice and I’m good with that.
Deep down, though, I knew I wasn’t good with that. For one thing, I have always been very judgmental of women and their bodies – which seems strange, I know, coming from me – but it’s true. I have always had a pretty ugly internal dialogue going on with myself in regards to my body. No matter how I tried to suppress it, it was always there. And anyone who judges themselves harshly – no matter how they look on the outside – usually judges others just as harshly.
So at some point – about a month or so ago – I read a blog entry from Lysa Terkeurst in which she challenged her readers to take the time each morning to read one Proverb a day for a month. I decided I could do that much.
Wow! What an eye opener. Day 1, I read this:
(Wisdom is speaking:)
“For the waywardness of the naive will kill them,
And the complacency of fools will destroy them.
But he who listens to me shall live securely
And will be at ease from the dread of evil.” Proverbs 1:32-33
I was so moved by this – especially the part about complacency – I wrote it on a piece of paper and taped it on my mirror in my bathroom. I read it every morning, and it says the same thing to me every time – complacency destroys. I have been complacent about my weight my whole life, and it is destroying me. Little by little, it is lowering my life expectancy. It is wearing out my internal organs and destroying the cartilage in my knees and ankles. In time, I will not have the ability to do even the little I do right now, and I’m already impaired.
Plus, my parents are taking all of us on a cruise over Christmas, and having just been on a cruise to Hawaii over Thanksgiving last year, I know a little bit about what to expect. Cruise ships are big and require a LOT of walking. There is a lot to do, and it can be a blast if you have the energy to do it. The beds are already small and uncomfortable, so being big and tired all the time isn’t exactly compatible. The food on our cruise was a disappointment, so if you are going on a cruise to eat, you should just stay home and go out to your favorite restaurant. The best part about a cruise is being with people you love, but if you are tired and feel sick from overeating the whole time, you will not be able to enjoy them, and that will become a huge regret.
Not to mention we are going to a cruise in the Caribbean, so a lot of what we will do will involve swimsuits.
So I am going through a pretty major life change. I’m getting honest with myself about my choices. I’m “breaking up” with food. Food and I have been in a long-term relationship, but it’s been an unhealthy relationship and I’m ending it. It’s not going to be easy, because I love food and food has been my source of comfort for most if not all of my life. But not anymore.
And I’m also taking the health of my muscular system seriously and if that means spending an hour a day pushing myself past where I was the day before, then (deep sigh) that’s what I’m going to do.
Even if it does hurt. A LOT.
Today is Saturday and I decided not to go to the “extra” work out, but I know I can’t go three days and then expect to pick it back up where I left off on Tuesday. I’m going to have to do something besides just watching what I eat between now and then. I’m going to have to (another deep sigh) exercise.
Just thinking about it hurts. Better go start before I change my mind.