[Originally posted September 13, 2012]

I was feeling very down about this whole process, especially since learning on Monday that the diet I will be on for the next infinite number of weeks is basically a modified Atkins Diet.  The Atkins Diet is my worst nightmare – high protein, very little carbs and fats.  I have, for most of my life, survived on pretty much nothing but carbs and fats.  And I have always disliked meat.  Sooooo, how will I make this work, you ask?  The answer for the moment is Protein Shakes.  Around 4 a day, if I’m doing it right.  Ugh.  Reminds me a lot of that summer I was in college, doing Slim Fast with my best friend, Kim.  Remember Slim Fast?  A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a sensible dinner?  I did lose a LOT of weight that summer, but I think it had more to do with the fact I was taking Tennis in the middle of the hot Texas summer and snacking on only fruit and drinking tons of water.  But one thing I remember more than anything was how sick I got of drinking those shakes and watching everyone around me eating whatever they wanted for dinner, while I tried to enjoy Sbisa’s salads.

So as this week has progressed, and I have worked and worked to get enough protein into my diet while keeping the carbs and fats at bay, I have become pretty discouraged about the whole thing.  Then this morning I woke up with a pretty big case of the “poor me’s”, and I know myself well enough to see this as a big danger sign.  When I start to feel sorry for myself, plus feeling trapped like I do by the restrictions on my eating, I start to rebel.  And that’s a pretty scary thing, given who our trainers are!  People who rebel do lots of extra exercises, and that’s the LAST thing I need right now!!!

So what to do?  Well, first I need to own the fact that I CHOSE THIS.  No one put a gun to my head and made me sign up.  And no one is forcing me to go to class today.  It’s a choice, I’m a grown-up, and I can choose not to go if I want to.  That’s number one.

Second, I am going to have to keep in mind WHY I chose this.  I am not doing all of this – changing my eating, working out, etc. – for anyone else but myself.  I am doing this so that I will have more energy, be able to climb stairs without getting winded, be stronger overall.  And that’s not just about exercising – it’s about eating better and embracing the entire program.  I need to trust that these people know what they are doing, regardless of the fact that I have only lost 2.5 lbs as of today.  After 2.5 weeks.

And please don’t tell me that muscle weighs more than fat.  I know.  It’s just that after making SO MANY changes – drinking lots of water, eating so differently (healthy foods) and doing these ridiculous work outs 5X/week, I expected the scale to show some sign of change.  I know I’m changing because my energy level is starting to increase oh-so-slightly and my clothes are fitting a tiny bit better.  And I climbed stairs on Sunday and wasn’t as winded.  And really, it’s not about the numbers.  I am not THAT NUMBER.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that today.

And perhaps tonight would be a good time for me to reinstate the gratitude journal I started last week.  🙂