How YOU Doin’?

Well.  So here we are again.  Me, at my computer.  You, well, wherever you are.  It’s destiny.  Either that or the internet – I’m not sure which.

So I actually wrote a blog post on my iPad while putting on my make-up and drying my hair today (I’m an excellent multi-tasker), then came over here to post and it and discovered that hey!  I wrote almost the EXACT SAME POST about a month ago!  So I was hit with a dilemma – do I use the old post or the new one?  Of course, being the recycling hero that I am, I knew I couldn’t just throw out the old post.  I had to use it.  So here it is – then I’ll tack the new post onto the end.  See?  Now you get to read the same boring stuff TWICE!!!  Bless your heart.

Well, here it is anyway – written January 21, 2013 and saved from the “drafts” folder:

Hi.  It’s me, Britany.  I mean, it’s really me.  Not a copy of a post I wrote back in September – I’m actually writing a REAL blog post!  In case you haven’t been paying attention, I’ve been re-posting my blog posts from September that I put on a different site, in order to sort of catch everyone up on this whole boot camp thing I’ve been doing.  So far, you’ve read all the way up to September 16th.  Which means what you are reading is pretty far removed from reality.  And since I have stopped writing posts on the other blog (my intention was to consolidate the two here), I think it’s time to be honest about how I’ve been doing now that we’re halfway through January.

The short answer is not great.  It’s been a really tough month and a half.  See, from the time I started working out until early December, I hardly missed a day.  That meant I was exercising 5 days a week and being held accountable for what I was eating every day of the week. (Despite not being at the gym Saturday or Sunday, on Monday the trainers randomly pick from Friday, Saturday or Sunday and you have to be ready to read off everything you ate that day).  But in early December, Brad got sick – really sick – with what our doctor labelled a “flu-like virus”.  He then told us that the flu wasn’t here yet (our pediatrician said he was wrong) so he didn’t actually test Brad.  I got a milder version of it from him, then one of the kids got sick so in the end, I was out two weeks prior to leaving on our cruise December 22nd.

After 2 weeks of dealing with sick people, all my resolve to eat well and exercise on the cruise went out the window.  (I did try to run on the track once, and actually accomplished 2 miles of darting around people taking pictures from the most scenic place on the ship.  I think it was something like 17 times around equaled 1 mile. And there was a mini-golf course in the center of the track, so it was like running the school track during a football game.  Not my cup of tea.)

I thought I would get right back into the swing of things upon our return, but in the car on the way home from Galveston, Samuel started having coughing fits that were so bad, he even threw up at one point.  So we got back on Saturday and were at the doctor bright and early Monday.  This time our doctor said Samuel had the flu – even though he said it was pointless to test him since his symptoms matched.  He was sick the entire week of New Year’s, but since Brad was home, I was able to get back to the gym three days that week.  However, I didn’t have my food because, if I’m completely honest, I didn’t want to admit that I was not back on track with my eating yet.  We didn’t even make a trip to the grocery store until the kids were back in school!

(Corey, our trainer, gave me grace the first day I told him I didn’t have my food.  The second day I did 50 push-ups and the third day I did 100.  By Monday, my food journal was up to date and ready to be checked!!!)

With the kids back in school, I was ready to really get serious about losing weight again.  Then Matthew got strep and was out for 3 days week before last.  Last week, the nurse sent him home from school with similar symptoms but the doctor said it was allergies.  Still, I missed a day for that.  And finally, last Thursday Brad came home from work sick – again – and this time tested positive for the flu.  Yesterday, Samuel started running a fever and that brings us up to today (we have an appointment for him this afternoon.  They want to see him because his fever was spiking at almost 105 in the night.)

Honestly, I think the last time we were all this sick was when Peter started Kindergarten.

Regardless of how sick we have been or are going to be, however, the bottom line is this: I’ve been using it as an excuse to eat whatever I want.

If you’re wondering why it ends so abruptly, see the part where I wrote Samuel had a 105 degree fever.  In case you’re wondering, he had the flu as well.  Then I got it. And then I slept and so I don’t remember much except that I haven’t been exactly stellar at working out and eating right.  Which brings me to the post I wrote this morning:

I have something to confess.  I have been avoiding you.  Not you literally – I’m actually not even able to tell who you are.  McGee on NCIS would know everything about you, down to when you took your first step and where you were when you got your first kiss.  All in the time it takes Gibbs to say “McGee!” and McGee to answer “I’m on it boss.”.

But I digress.

What I was trying to say is that I have been avoiding the blog because I don’t want to admit out loud that I’ve fallen off the UBS wagon.  UBS, for those who may not know, stands for Ultimate Body Studio – not Unlimited Boy Solutions, like I first thought.  No, I didn’t really think that.  I actually couldn’t remember the name at all for the first few months.  I have always just called it the gym, because my mind can usually find that when searching for it.  UBS is too hard for it to dredge up usually.

I’m clearly still avoiding. {Deep Sigh}

Here’s what happened.  I joined, with a real goal in sight – our Princess cruise over Christmas 2012.  And I lost 20 pounds plus a lot of inches and gained a tremendous amount of energy and confidence.  Then I came home.  And found myself without any kind of goal, and a whole lot of sickness in the house.  Then the sickness left the house, but I didn’t start back at the gym regularly.  And I didn’t start eating right at all.  I just couldn’t seem to make myself care.

I mean, the trainer/owner of the gym, Ron Lyons, keeps telling us to imagine swimsuit season, imagine being at the pool, etc. And I’m all like, really?  Because the only pool we will be visiting is the community pool, and I couldn’t care less who sees me in my swimsuit there.  It’s usually just some neighborhood kids swimming unchaperoned anyway, even though the sign CLEARLY STATES children are not to swim without a parent in the vicinity – and sitting at your kitchen table drinking sweet tea is not considered in the vicinity!!!  Just had to get that off my chest.

Also, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful but after I lost 20 pounds, I sort of stopped and thought about all that HARD WORK and began to wonder if it was really worth it.

I mean, yeah, sure I climbed that RIDICULOUSLY TALL pyramid in Belize, and conquered a major personal fear in the process (climbing a pyramid in front of a bunch of people watching.  What?  Did you think I was going to say heights?).  And yes, I wore my swimsuit in front of a LOT of people on the ship when I took Samuel swimming one day.  That was all nice, but was it worth it?  And what if we don’t go anywhere or do anything this summer – which is totally normal for us.

So it has taken some time and introspection, but I think I’ve found my true reason for going through all this pain everyday.

Simply put, it’s because I’m supposed to.  I can’t explain all the theology behind it – well, I could actually, but it’s not important – but for me, it’s about simple obedience.  One foot in front of the other.  Once choice about what I’m going to eat.  Then the next one.  One step, then another, never worrying about all the other possible things that could happen or question all the whys every day.  It’s just. about. doing. it.

So, with that, I’m going to commit to you that I will try – really try – to be honest and keep a better record of what’s happening with all that in real time here on the blog.  I will consider you my accountability partners.  Whoever you are, wherever you are and despite where you were when you got your first kiss. (Mine was standing before God and man at the altar on my wedding day.  Not really, but I can pretend.)

So.  There it is – the good, the bad, and a whole lot of ugly all laid out for you to read at your leisure.  And so I will end this with one final thought.  I had my cheat meal yesterday, so I can’t have another one all weekend long.  And now that I’ve put it here, I have to stick by it.

 

 

I Only THOUGHT I Knew The Definition of Pain

I Only THOUGHT I Knew The Definition of Pain

Standing in the San Diego airport

[Originally posted on 8.30.2012]

The word “pain” has taken on a whole new meaning today.  I don’t know if I have ever hurt this badly.  In my entire life.  Ever.  Even during childbirth.

Of course, I had an epidural during childbirth, so that doesn’t exactly count.

Maybe I should say, while I was recovering from childbirth.  In between doses of Vicodin.

Which makes me wonder…do I still have any of that???  ‘Cause I’m seriously going to take some if I do.  I don’t know if I can sleep otherwise.  I’m afraid I will scare the dog when I wake up screaming in the night the first time I try to roll over.

And if it’s not enough that every muscle in my body is currently crying out in pain, I also went completely off my rocker at lunch today and ate a plate of nachos.

Question: How am I going to convince Ron and the others that I believed it was healthy?  “Why yes, I thought canned re-fried beans were a good source of protein!  And all that cheese?  Well, it’s got calcium in it!”  Even if I could say that with a straight face, there is just no way around the tortilla chips.  And the two cans of Coke.

Yes, I’ve blown it, and tomorrow I’m going to have to confess it to everyone in that group.  All those skinny girls with their iPhone apps to track calories and fat and protein and fiber.  I want so badly to hate them.  Except most of them are super nice.  They were calling out all kinds of encouraging words to me and Heidi during cardio on Tuesday.  Here we were, hardly able to move out of their way in time and so out of breath we couldn’t say a nice word if we wanted to (and we didn’t) – and they were cheering for us like we were on a team or something!  Watching them bounce from the bike to the floor and back up again was one of those things I wouldn’t have believed if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.  I mean, they made it look easy.  I want to make an hour of push-ups/sit-ups/biking through mud look easy.

But for tonight, I just want my body to stop cursing at me.  And I want to go to bed and sleep until the pain stops.

Corey (trainer) said today that people who work out like this for a while, then take a break, dread coming back because they remember how much it hurts that first week.  And one of the girls who stopped to talk to me afterward said the same thing – one week off and when you come back, you really feel it.

Hearing them say that reminded me of something a friend of mine wrote on Facebook.  She said during her “transformation” as they call it, her favorite quote was “If you are tired of starting over, don’t stop.”  I like that.  If I don’t want to have to start all over again…I can’t stop.  I may slow down sometimes, but I can’t just stop without knowing I will have to face this kind of week again.

And oh, for the love of all things sweaty, I NEVER want to go through this again!!!!!!!!

 

 

Yes or No?

[Originally posted 8.26.2012]

The sluggard craves and gets nothing,
but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied. Proverbs 13:4

I weighed myself this morning. Thanks to yesterday’s last hurrah (you can add another coke, a plate full of nachos loaded with cheese, a Hershey’s bar and who knows what else to yesterday’s list), I now weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life: 260.5.

I know it’s only a number. I know it doesn’t mean anything except that I’m water logged from all the salt yesterday. I know the fact that I’ve crossed a new weight threshold isn’t significant.

Except it is. It’s significant because I’m still deciding if I’m really “all in” with this Ron Lyon’s Ultimate Body Studio fitness thing.

This morning, I read this:

He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet. Proverbs 27:7

I wrote it down because I was thinking what a great thing for my kids, but really, it’s talking about me. When I’m full of all this unhealthy junk food, nothing tastes good and I’ve filled up all the available space with something that will just leave me feeling empty. But when I eat healthy foods, and refuse to eat anything that isn’t healthy, then I will begin to be satisfied with foods that currently taste bitter to me (like Kale. Ew.).

Anyway, I’ve got to get ready for church, and then tomorrow, school starts. So I probably won’t have much more time for reflection until after I workout tomorrow – and then I may be too tired!!! But I guess the thought that I’m going to keep in mind today is the Proverb about being wise in one’s own eyes. Yesterday I wrote down two Proverbs:

The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who answer discreetly. Proverbs 26:16

and

Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Proverbs 26:12

If I’m going to do this, and do it successfully, I’ve got to change my attitude from one of pride to one of humility. I have to be willing to learn. I have to listen to criticism and instead of being offended, just take away what will I need from it. I’ve held this part of my life so close to me for so long, it literally has become a part of my inmost being. But what I weigh is NOT who I am – it is just a reflection of my lack of self-discipline and unhealthy relationship with food. That part of me can change without hurting the good part of who I am. In fact, that part of me changing can only improve the rest of me – if I approach this with humility and not pride.