Notice how he has organized the dominoes so that the numbers are matched end to end.
There should be a law to prevent angry blogging, kind of like texting and driving. Of course, I’m so mad right now, I wouldn’t pay any attention to it.
Why am I so mad? I’ll give you a hint. It starts with an “M” and ends with an “atthew”.
For those of you who don’t know, Matthew, our 8 year old, has Aspergers Syndrome. Long story short, this is a very high-functioning form of Autism that appears most often in boys, and in our case, results in a child with an extremely high intellectual IQ and an extremely low social IQ. At the time of his testing last year, he was socially on the same level as a 2 year old.
One of the “symptoms”, if you will, of Aspergers is what’s called perseveration. Basically, it’s the inability to let go of something that’s in your mind. The way they explained it to me was that it’s like there’s a track that they go around and around on until the trench is so deep, they can’t get out by themselves.
So here’s what we went through last night and this morning.
I have a rule that everyone makes their lunches for school the night before. In order to eat supper, they must have a list of things completed, and this is one of them. And lest you feel sorry for them, they have HOURS to get about 3 things done, yet they manage to put it off until supper is on the table.
Yesterday, Matthew started making his lunch and discovered that Peter had taken “his” sandwich – actually half a sandwich – and put it in his lunch.
And so began the epic Tale of Two Sandwiches.
I’ll spare you the incredibly boring details, but in the end, because the sandwich in question had mayo instead of Ranch Dressing, it was ruled to be Peter’s (Matthew only eats Ranch on his).
At first, I stood firm on the “make your lunch rule” but finally, I just got sick of arguing with Matthew (if that wasn’t his sandwich, he wanted to figure out who took his and make sure they got consequences!) and told him to eat his supper and if he didn’t have a lunch in the morning, he would just have to buy. With his own money, since he only gets to buy once and he always saves it for pizza Friday.
This morning, after I had totally forgotten about the whole epic sandwich debate of 2012, I learned what happens when a child with Aspergers goes to sleep perseverating. He wakes up even more entrenched in his beliefs.
I tried everything. Offered over and over to help him make a new sandwich, help him make his lunch, told him he could buy today instead of Friday, reminded him he could buy out of his own money. I tried distracting him (sometimes that helps him move out of his “trench”), I tried leaving him alone, ignoring him, debating with him.
I did everything short of solve his problem, which is what he was holding out for.
In the end, he was screaming, holding his ears, yelling that his head hurt and it was all my fault. On and on, until I was in the car, about to leave him at home. He threw the sandwich I made him and a cheese stick into his lunch box and caught us right before we pulled out of the garage.
Then he proceeded to get in the car and yell at us to be quiet and leave him alone. Needless to say, he has lost all screen time for the foreseeable future.
We were late to school today, which means even though they were probably only 5 minutes after the bell, they will all 3 be counted absent for the purposes of the State. I’ve already gotten one truancy warning letter – this will probably mean a second warning.
And all because of a stupid sandwich.
When I got home, I called our FISD parent trainer who is assigned to our family and told her what happened. She has been coaching me through a lot of issues like this since the diagnosis last year. Her advice? Do whatever you have to do in the morning – in this case, it would have been to say “You didn’t get your lunch made so now you will have to buy today” – but follow it up with “we will discuss this further after school”. Then after school, tell him he owes me for the lunch. Write down what happened and what the consequences are, then just hand it to him after school. She also said to make sure next time I have a plan in place before the kids wake up. In other words, don’t just hope the issue goes away.
I saw one of Matthew’s Special Ed teachers outside the school this morning. I think he might have been trying to coax another child out of a car. I told him the situation (I usually text one of them so they have a head’s up of what they will be facing that day) and he just smiled and said “Sounds like we’re going to need a lot of Jolly Ranchers today”.
Jolly Ranchers are fine for Matthew. I’m personally hitting the hard stuff myself. Of course, you know I mean Starbucks, right?
Thank you for giving me 5 minutes of your life that you can never get back.
Rant over.
My dear, no one knows how much you endure. You are my hero.
Well, you were my hero first and forever will be!!!
So is this the child you prayed I would have when I was giving you grief as a little girl???
Wow! You have a FISD parent trainer that actually comes into the home? I must be living in the wrong place…
I just read your story and I have to say, I was amazed that anyone living in this day and age could be faced with the struggles you have faced. I am truly naive. It reminded me of the book I read recently about a family of a severely autistic child who tried with little success to find help – back in the 1960’s! Is this what state run health care looks like? I had heard stories about Canada’s problems but what you have described borders on barbaric!
Even though we are not dealing with anything CLOSE to your son’s form of autism, we have qualified for 4 in home sessions with a parent trainer, provided by our school district, as well as access to her anytime we need help. In addition, the district provides sibling workshops, parent workshops, and many many activities geared to children with all types of Special Needs. In fact, it was our school psychologist who first recognized the “symptoms” and asked for our permission to have Matthew tested by the district autism team. We even have a local church in our community that provides free monthly parent’s nights out as well as specialized care during church services, etc.
We are truly blessed beyond measure. My heart goes out to you and your Matt. I pray you will begin to find hope to what appears to be a hopeless situation soon. Meanwhile, I will stop and count my blessings the next time we are having a bad morning!
Yes, and it’s getting worse! They just closed down a huge Resource Centre for known as Thistletown. They will be depending on local agencies, which you can see are not equipped or trained to support those who need genuine help. Here, it all depends on region and it isn’t fair for people who can’t relocate.
I am so scared to say this because of what my friend JUST SAID about not offering advice!!!! Oh, I am so torn because I know that one jolly rancher would cause us days of torture. So I will just say: my son does not have Asberger’s, but the Feingold diet has done WONDERS for us, and many kids who are on the spectrum.
Okay, now I said it. Please forgive me, especially if you already tried it and it didn’t work.
(hangs head in shame)
No! I’ve actually been really curious about the various diets I’ve read about. My mom is gluten-free due to food allergies and I’ve wondered if we shouldn’t try it with Matthew. I’m just scared of a whole new set of battles. The Jolly Ranchers are his newest “incentive” at school – it was gum before that. I am not familiar with the diet you mention but have read a little about it on your blog. I’ll have to do some research tomorrow. Thanks for the tip!!! (BTW, I’ve been reading your blog for years. Yours is one of my favs, next to Boo Mama and Big Mama!)